Special Sauce

A mish-mash of twisted thoughts from a fevered ego. Updated when the spirit moves me, contents vary and may have settled during shipping. Do not open towards eyes. Caution: Ingestion of Special Sauce may cause hair loss, halitosis, and a burning sensation while urinating.


Hi. I'm bitchy.

It's probably just because I was really hungry, that I wanted to beat the headlights of the ginormous white truck in. Of course, the owner of the behemoth had no idea that I was stuck working the late shift tonight, and therefore threw my eating pattern out of whack, and made me twice as angry about his ridiculous park job.

Dear driver of the ginormous white truck:

We live in an alley, albeit an alley that merges with a parking lot. It's difficult enough to maneuver in the alley on a good day (what with the vehicles parked on the far curb) without that gas guzzling monument to your penis making the egress even narrower, and blocking the (already tenuous) view of oncoming traffic. With the entire raft of free spaces available, I'd suggest taking a space a bit further from the street next time, or you shall face my squirrely wrath.

The girl who would ram your truck over and over again if her damn front end didn't totally fit under the side of your vehicle.

Maybe I was just in a bad mood because I'm too fucking young to be hearing what my doc had to say today... namely, I've got high cholesterol. I suppose this officially makes me old. Great. And it's not even like I eat shitty food. God, I haven't had a french fry in months, and eat red meat maybe once a week. I cook with olive oil, rarely use butter or margarine, and snarf grains and veggies like they're going out of style... the last time I went to Sonic with P? I HAD A DAMN SALAD, people. A salad with lowfat dressing even. Granted, I do love my quesadillas, and I suppose that will no longer be my backup order when we go out. I'll have to indulge my love at home, where I control the ingredients and the portions. And I'll cut out everything else, if I have to, but I adamantly REFUSE to give up my Snyders Hot Buffalo Wing Pretzel Pieces. You will pry that bag out of my (sausage fingered) hand, after I have the big one. Because those bastards are laced with crack, and I am not giving them up.

In the midst of my freak-out to my director, she said "well, you really do eat pretty healthily. How long have you been doing that?" I told her it had only been since March... she thinks I'm probably OK- that maybe my cholesterol was much higher, and could be down- we'll never know the true numbers... But basically, the doc sez: low fat diet, and lose a little ass or we'll be forced to drug you.

Ma sez: Yeah, you could stand to lose a little ass, but don't forget- your aunt never could get he cholesterol down without drugs, so it might just be your shitty genes (and you're welcome).

I sez: Fuckit. As long as the neuro doesn't tell me I've got a tumor tomorrow*, I can deal with this geezer stuff. (It's not like I don't have to get my pants around my ass on a daily basis- it could stand to shrink.)

Maybe I should have thrown that stapler at the back of my coworker's skull today. Might have made me feel less crabby. (In addition to not being able to retain information she has been given verbally, we can include "not able to retain written directions" either. Oh, and "too stupid to remember to consult the manual." Hate.)

More to come. Happy 4th everyone, if I don't get back before then.

*Just seeing him for the headaches. I don't think I have a tumor, just shitty genes.


Twice in one week?

Surely this is your day to play the lottery, or something like that.

So here's where I continue to give the scoop, because I'm feeling rather sassy. Also, because I needed to do some laundry, or risk getting tackled by security on my way to work because "topless" and "bottomless" aren't part of our dress code.

Amusing event of last evening, oh how I wish I was there, division:
So last night around 2AM, 2 numbskulls (literally, figuratively) wind up either shooting each other, or being shot by person/persons unknown, several blocks from the giganto-mega-hospital. Here's where the details get a little fuzzy- somehow, one of the guys, who was shot in the head (IN the head, people) drives his car to the hospital, manages to wander in through one of the entrances (the one furthest away from the ER), into a bunch of different areas, trailing blood EVERYWHERE, eventually winding up in the Emergency Department. I'm not sure if I should be more amazed that the guy drove himself there, or that he wandered around the hospital long enough to spill an assload of his own blood in various departments, without getting noticed a hell of a lot sooner. Gives me hope for our crack security team. (Maybe I could sneak in to work naked tomorrow...)

Amusing item of the day, I was there, and I still can't believe it division:
So the "other" secretary (who I have discovered is making executive secretary jack, while doing remedial secretary work) may be gone as soon as August. I'm betting sooner, if she gets a shitty review. The lure of America's Wang (The great state of Florida) is strong, I say...

Major shout outs to:

Violet, the best phlebotomist ever, who sucked my blood this morning, and made it the most pain-free experience ever.

P, because he has no idea what he's getting into when he takes me camping in 2-1/2 weeks.

My lungs, which are going to have to cooperate over the next 2 1/2 weeks, so I can seriously kick up the walking, so I don't die hiking.

Y'all, for the stalking, the comments, and missing me. :) I miss you guys too. (And the internet. God, how I miss the internet.) And a little aside to MWN... I may have cut down the tree, but there's a lovely fire escape around back.

And on to other amusements. My father has three loves in his life (aside from my mother)

1. Sausage
2. His Sneaker Blog (which is like a regular blog, but instead of posting it on the internet, he just goes around the neighborhood and verbally recounts everything to anything/anyone that won't run away from him).
3. Tractors

And this weekend, much to my mother's chagrin, they are going to a Wheel Horse Tractor whoojiggy. And yes. It will be old guys. Making a parade. On their tractors. Kind of like the Shriners on their little motorcycles, but not nearly as cool. Hee.

That's pretty much it for now. Who knows, there may be another update on Friday. I've got to come water plants, and get ready for a small shindig after P gets off work. The good news is, there will be cake. Mad Elf Cake. It's Chocolate. And Beer. And Cake. All rolled into one delightful package. (And it tastes better than you'd think, as the beer has a nice cherry thing going on.)


I am not dead.

I am, however, pretty sure I know what a marathon runner's scrotum feels like. It's about 90 billion degrees outside, and were it not for that famed holiday we like to call "Fathers Day", I'd be safely tucked inside my (blissfully) air conditioned cocoon of an apartment, reading, sipping iced tea, and giggling at anyone foolish enough to be out of doors...

As it is, I whipped up a German Chocolate Cake and some salads, and treked out to the casa-de-no-air-but-at-least-there's-a-cool-basement, to celebrate the dude I like to refer to as dear ol' dad. Or something approximating that anyway. P & I celebrated "Thank goodness you're not a father yet" day earlier on, before he had to go to work. (He got salmon cakes, schmancy rice and a tomato lime salad)

Not much else to report, I got my "annual" review- and do, for all intents, walk on water- with a bit of a raise (but we're not sure how much) to show for it. Good deal. The one I work with seems to think she's moving to FL (where have I heard this before?) in the next 4-6 months- so I guess my next year's goal of "work as more of a team with the other secretary" will be a bit easier to obtain...

And other than contemplating savagery to encourage that oversized dorm appliance they're calling my "refrigerator" to meet its maker, so I can get a human sized one, things have been relatively quiet.

The G. Monkey front is under wraps at the moment, but suffice to say- she told her mom what happened, I still think she's the most vile woman ever, and if she lives out the rest of her days in agony, it still won't be enough to obliterate the fact that she knew (yes, knew) that G. was being abused, but "didn't know who was doing it" and took no steps to protect or help her. Bah.

And on that happy note, I bid you a fond adieu till next time.


Is it June already?

So here's what's going on in the casa de no internet.

Work: I still find my job interesting, though some days I really get a lot crazed. There's a lot of snark inside, but I can't let it all out lest someone rabbit trails their way back to me through the incomprable C's site. (She was mentioned in the paper this weekend, don'tchya know.) With my luck, I'll bitch about someone, and they'll find out, and I'll be on the shit list. Suffice to say, there are daily challenges, and some people amaze me that they can even manage to get dressed and FIND the giganto mega hospital on a daily basis.

G. Monkey: One day at a time.

P: Is a huge, adorable ball of dorkiness. I wouldn't have him any other way. But if he'd stop blowing his nose on items that aren't kleenex, it'd make my life happier (and his laundry less messy). (No, he doesn't use anything of mine, and no, I don't do his laundry, but ew.)

Ma/Pa: The same. Ma's sister and her hub are down for a few days. Life is swell.

Odie: The cheapest man alive bought me a beer at the belv this weekend. I nearly collapsed from shock. Also, he's becoming a redneck. His long-dormant goober genes are springing forth anew, and it is both frightening and amusing as hell.

Food: Strawberries are in season, and this makes me extra happy. Also- I recommend bringing this to a summer picnic:

Bacon & Egg salad (which sounds really creepy, but isn't.)

1 1/4 cups lentils, rinsed
4 hard boiled eggs
3-4 slices of turkey bacon
either fresh parsley or celery leaves/tops minced (to taste)
1/3 cup Red Wine Vinegar
3T EV Olive Oil

Boil the lentils till tender, and drain. Dice the bacon, fry it up, and toss with the lentils and celery/parsley. Mix up the vinegar, oil, and seasonings, then blend with the lentils. If serving right away, add the eggs- rougly chopped. If waiting, mix in the eggs right before serving. It's nice and the bacon adds a good flavor to everything. It can be served warm or cold, and because there's no mayo, it's not so skeetchy on a hot day.