Open Letters

To my upstairs neighbor,

It's an apartment, not the mall. If you want to speedwalk, do it at 5AM with the rest of the mallwalkers, otherwise, it is midnight, put your ass in bed. Some of us have clinicals at 7, and need the sleep. And shut up. Nobody important can be reached on a cell phone at 2AM. Which is the time I am still awake because you're still speedwalking upstairs and chatting on your phone.

Seriously, the apartment is not that big, and you're a DUDE. Whatever you need to find shouldn't take that many circuits around the effin' place. Sit down, shut up, and read a goddamn book.

Sincerely,
Five-thirty comes really damned early, and don't you have a class to get to too?


To the guy who vacuums up the leaves at the Baptist church EVERY MORNING at 7,

God put those leaves there, and maybe it was His intent for people to walk through them. Your vacuuming them up with that giant noisy thing is pissing Him off, and now He is going to smite you for ruining 2 of life's small pleasures. (1. the ability to sleep with the windows open in the fall, and 2. walking through leaves, for those who are counting.) Get a new hobby.

Smite away, Lord
Sauce.


Just once, I would like to sleep past 7, but between my bladder, my asshole upstairs neighbor (who, if he's not speedwalking between 11p-4a, is doing the same effing thing at 7.), and the guy outside vaccuming up every goddamn offensive leaf at the crack of dawn, it's physically impossible. I had high hopes for this morning- I put in my earplugs last night and everything... and they fell OUT by morning when the one-man version of STOMP started.

HATE.