My love/hate relationship with Topamax

Topamax, you are the Ike Turner of migraine medications. Oh sure, you take away the majority of my godawful headaches and help me sleep like I'm in a coma (until my bladder wakes me up) but we have got to have a serious talk about the way you fuck with my palate.

The last time I was on Topamax I lost 20 pounds, thought all carbonated drinks tasted like crap, and craved salt and vinegar potato chips like they were going out of style. This was manageable. Especially because salt and vinegar potato chips are effin' awesome.

This time? I can't brush my damn teeth. No really. I am about to hold toothpaste auditions here, because so far, I've tried a bunch of different brands/flavors and they're pretty much all variants of "smoked turd." and it's affecting my oral health. At first I thought it was my toothbrush, so I soaked it in some listerine, to no avail. (Listerine tastes fine- use it in my water pik all the time. So it's really not mint that's jackin' me up.) I even bought TWO new toothbrushes.

Then I thought maybe it was a bad batch of my beloved colgate total. So i opened a new tube. Still smoky, still shitty. Damnit. Tried my mom's Colgate Sensitive. Tastes like poo. Tried something green with breath strips in it at P's. Craptastic. Bought a not-too-cheap bottle of crest with scope in it. Ass-licious. Bought a bottle of cinnamon-fresh colgate or something, and that tasted like C-diff. It's starting to drive me crazy. I'm suffering through the crappy toothpaste, but I'd really like to find something that doesn't taste gross so I can enjoy my oral hygiene again... so now I'm off to Save-Mart to buy small tubes of a variety of pastes for my brushing pleasure.

In the meantime, anyone want some barely used toothpaste? It'll probably taste perfect to you!!
PS- best thing about Topamax this time around? I don't crave sugar at all. I've had an unopened pint of coffee flavored ice cream in my freezer for over a month now... But if you touch my cheese I will break your fingers.


Edited to add: Tom's of Maine Apricot Whitening Toothpaste, I think I want to marry you, or at the very least have some sort of naughty weekend with you.