Special Sauce

A mish-mash of twisted thoughts from a fevered ego. Updated when the spirit moves me, contents vary and may have settled during shipping. Do not open towards eyes. Caution: Ingestion of Special Sauce may cause hair loss, halitosis, and a burning sensation while urinating.


Gather round! It's story time!

New readers (thanks again Jo!) may not be familiar with the background here, so I'll get you up to speed.

My house shares a driveway with a rental property. Right now, I have drug dealing (allegedly), redneck, trashy neighbors. The kind that is impossible NOT to know every intimate detail about their lives, because they insist on dragging their business outside, generally conducting it at the top of their lungs. Lovely. Even when they're inside their house, I can usually still hear them over my TV. In short, they're loud, they're obnoxious, they owe me ten bucks, and I hate them.

Queen Neck (The main resident) asked my brother if he wanted to rent her garage out (which is not hers to sublet) to which he said (politely) "Oh HELL no!" Well, about a month or so ago, 2 guys came over in their Cletusmobile and unloaded a humongous amount of STUFF into the garage. Mattresses, Televisions, Go-Karts, and other household items. Apparently, they were going to take over the lease on the house when Queen Neck moved in with her boyfriend du jour. So they moved their stuff in, anticipating her imminent departure.

As near as I can figure it, Queen Neck had a falling out with her boyfriend/dealer, and wasn't moving out after all. So she decided she was going to sell the go karts and tvs out of the garage. Mind you, these items? Not hers to sell. They don't belong to her. Never did. She offered to sell the items to my father, AND to my brother. Both of them declined. She sold the items to someone else she knew, and he picked them up last week.

Which brings us to today. The guys in the Cleetusmobile came back. And they were rather pissed to find their most expensive shit wasn't there anymore. They were also dismayed to find Queen Neck nowhere around. So they called the cops. Queen Neck came home, and said "Oh! I was at the beach for a week, and I figured y'all came and got those things! Maybe Dumbo was around last week and took 'em? He's up in Harrisburg now! Ask him!"

And I, in my kitchen, gleefully waiting for the fireworks to start sat there saying- "Oh NO she Di'int!" (Hey, I was cooking supper, they were outside my window, and besides, the guys came to ME to get the number for the cops in our township... I had eavesdropper's rights.) So Odie came home, and instantly knew what was goin' on (what with the police car there, and the Cleetusmobile and all) and snagged the number to get the cops to call HIM back after they'd left. (Because despite the fact that we hate hate HAAAAAAAAAAATE our neighbors, we also don't want to be all dancin' in the driveway saying "You're full of shit, and here's why. By the way officer, want some license plate numbers?" because there could be serious repercussions if they find out WE ratted them out. So...

Cops called Odie, he told them about her offering to sell him the stuff, and told the cops to call Pa. Pa confirmed, and said he witnessed the sale of the items. Long story shorter... They've got enough at this very moment to bust her for a probation violation (false statement to the police- I guess), but the county jail's super crowded at the moment, and they'd probably leave her at home for the 4 months till it would come back up for trial. So instead, they're going to aim for getting her for selling stolen property, in addition to the Probation violation.

And a side bonus? The guys in the cletusmobile are the ones who had tried to get custody of her eldest daughter. (Eldest daughter's father was killed in a motorcycle accident. These guys are the father's nephews.) And if this will send her to jail, they'll be more than likely to press charges, so their mom (I believe) could sue for custody again, and likely win.

Honestly- that's a win-win situation. The aunt actually cares a hell of a lot more about the daughter than her own mother does (she's in it for the check) and the daughter KNOWS it. The youngest Daughter would probably go with her grandparents (again, they care more too) and we won't have scumbags in and out of the place at all hours. (Gee, and if they keep her till her lease is up, maybe the neighbors on the other side will finally buy the property, and we'll never have to deal with douchebags again!)


Blogger GoddessAradia said...

Woot! Awesome story! I'd comment more, but I've been at work for 11 hours and it's time to friggin go!
I'll be back in the mornin!

7:21 PM  
Blogger parcequilfaut said...

Awesome, ET. I may not have a problem with living outside the law per se, but I am virulently anti-white-trash and am proud to see you doing your part. Good luck!

9:38 PM  
Blogger Special Sauce said...

Precisely, ET. I don't care if someone smokes weed. I don't care if you listen to Hank Williams, drink Lone Star, and pee off your back porch. Shit, if I had the appropriate apparatus, I'd pull a Hunter S. Thompson all the time.

What I do mind is leavin' your place go to shit, screamin' so the whole neighborhood can hear you, fuckin' up your kids' lives, and actin' like trash. Guh.

10:08 PM  
Blogger GoddessAradia said...

*leavin' your place go to shit*

Does this include loosing the battle against the yard? Cause if so, I'm in biiiiiig trouble. (We have a patch of grass tall enough for a zebra to hide in, and no moeney for a new lawn mower)

10:11 AM  
Blogger Special Sauce said...

Naw, if you make the effort, and there aren't, say... children's toys strewn about everywhere, the cavalcade of beer bottles, and letting the posts that hold your "flowerbeds" (OK, weed patches) back, completely topple over, you're doin' alright.

10:49 AM  
Blogger GoddessAradia said...

Well, the chunks of our yard that can be mowed by the riding lawn mower stay pretty well kept. Unfortunately we have a chain link fence, and a creek as well, and no weed eater - or whatever - or push mower...

3:46 PM  
Blogger GoddessAradia said...

I'm sorry. My last post kinda went downhill there. I got icky news half way through writing it...

4:58 PM  

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