Special Sauce

A mish-mash of twisted thoughts from a fevered ego. Updated when the spirit moves me, contents vary and may have settled during shipping. Do not open towards eyes. Caution: Ingestion of Special Sauce may cause hair loss, halitosis, and a burning sensation while urinating.


The Boyfriend Application

The incomprable Stephee and I were joking around about this on her blog, and all of the sudden it grew into something... well... very tongue in cheek, but fun. With that, I present to you- The Boyfriend Application! (and if you'd like a clean, Word format copy, email me- or let me know in the comments)

It's still rough, so please feel free to suggest additions, deletions, and the like.

Application for Boyfriend-hood

Thank you for taking the time to apply for the position of my boyfriend. As with any business, it is possible that there are no positions available at this time. However, I will retain your application for a period of no less than ninety (90) days. If an opening should arise, I will contact you to begin the interview process. Please do not phone me, as this may bar you from eligibility.

Please note that spelling, punctuation, and penmanship are important. Please complete all sections to the best of your abilities, and use additional sheets of paper as necessary. Please clearly label each additional sheet, so it corresponds with the appropriate question.

GeneralYour Name _____________________________________
Today's Date ________________________
Do you have a nickname? __________________________
Have you ever been known by any other name? ______________________________
Current Address

Years at Current Address _______ (If less than five, please attach separate sheet with previous residences for the past five years. )

Current Telephone Number
___________________ Home ___________________ Cellular

Current Email Address ____________________
Current IM Information _______________________

Current Employer (include telephone number/address)

Supervisor's name_________________________
Position held _____________________________
Number of years at position ________________

Please supplement this employment information with resume, including contact information.

Position Desired:
_____ Fuckbuddy
_____ Casual Dating
_____ Long-Term Relationship
_____ Potential Stalker

Current Age ___________________ (Physical)
Current Age ___________________ (Mental)
Current Age ___________________(In Public)
Current Age ____________________ (F'reals, Yo.)

How Much Ya Bench? ________________ lbs

Arrests: Please note, an arrest and/or conviction will not automatically disqualify you.

Have you ever been arrested? ______Yes ________ No

If yes, what was the charge? (If multiple arrests, please detail these on a separate sheet of paper.)


Have you ever been convicted of a felony? _____ Yes _____ No

Have you ever been to prison (except as a visitor) _____ Yes _____No

If yes, which prison(s) and length of stay?________________________________________________

Are you currently:
_____ On Parole? (Anticipated completion date___________________)

_____ Living in a halfway house? (Anticipated release date______________________)

_____ Under House Arrest? (Anticipated release date _______________________)

_____ Incarcerated? (Anticipated release date__________________________.)

_____ Dating someone else and/or married? (which?________________________)

What qualities will you bring to a potential relationship? (attach additional sheets if necessary)

Describe your relationship with your mother (if no mother present in your life, please substitute next closest mother-figure).

Please list your previous girlfriends for the past three years, most recent one first. Please provide contact information such as a working telephone number or email address for each. If you need additional space, please attach a separate sheet of paper.

1. __________________________
From_________ To__________
Reason no longer dating? ______________

2. __________________________
From_________ To__________
Reason no longer dating? ______________

3. __________________________
From_________ To__________
Reason no longer dating? ______________

Do you have any children? _____Yes _____No

If yes, How many _____
Do they live with you? ____Yes ____No ____Other (explain)__________________

Activities of Daily Living:

Current method of transportation?
_____ City Bus
_____My mother drives me
_____Own car
_____Own Truck
____ Own Motorcycle
_____ Other (explain)____________

If not currently licensed due to DWI/DUI or other state revocation, please check here_________ and explain why, and when/if your license will be returned ________________________________________________________

Current living arrangements? (note, residing with parents will not automatically disqualify you)
_____ Cardboard box, under bridge
_____ In my car
_____ Mom's Basement
_____ Apartment with Roommates
_____ Apartment, Alone
_____ House with roommates
_____ House, alone
_____ Own Home
_____ Alleyway
_____ Reformatory
_____ Ward of State
_____ Frathouse

How often do you feel the need to shower?
_____ When mom tells me
_____ Daily, whether I need it or not
_____After any strenuous activity
_____ Twice or more per day
_____ Just call me Howard Hughes

How much time do you spend on your haircare/skincare regimen?
_____Regimen? We don't need no stinking regimen!
_____ Long enough to comb it, shave it, and split
_____ Not an inordinate amount of time, but enough
_____ 30 minutes, minimum.
_____ 30-45 minutes
_____ More than you, honey.

Typically, you will find me attired in:
_____ Jeans/Tees
_____ Wifebeater/Trucker Hat
_____Whatever's trendy
_____ Cowboy gear
_____ Coture
_____ Business casual
_____ Standard Business
_____ Skater Punk
_____ Aging Hipster Chic
_____ Other (explain)_____________________________________________________

Which of the following best describes your attitude toward borrowing money from your girlfriend?
_____ Only if it was an emergency, i.e. I am being evicted from my apartment or if I need a new kidney.
_____ Only if we have a strict agreement about repayment, (promissory note) and I know I can fulfill my obligation.
_____ Only on days that end in "y"
_____ Why borrow when I can just steal?

If I offer to pick up the check for dinner/an activity, what would be your typical reaction?
_____ Oh, that's sweet, thank you so much! I've got next, OK?
_____ Screw that, missy, I'm the man, and I'll be doing the handling of cash around here.
_____ Sweet! Can you pick up the tab on an ipod too?
_____ You mean there's a time you WOULDN'T be paying for something on our date?

Essay Questions:
Please use additional pages. Again, spelling and penmanship count.

Please describe your ideal first date:

Please describe your ideal date six, then 12 months into the dating process:

Please describe the best date you were ever on, and why you enjoyed it so much:

What is currently in your refrigerator, if you have one?

Please define your version of "the bases".

Multiple Choice:

Gifts are_____.
a. Nice to receive, and nice to give- just because! I don't have to wait for a holiday or anniversary.
b. Unnecessary except on birthdays and holidays or major anniversaries.
c. A waste of money.
d. Always to be repaid with "Gas, grass, or ass", cuz ain't nothin' free, baby!

You ask me to take care of dinner for this evening, so I __________.
a. Make reservations at our favorite restaurant
b. Stop by the grocery store and pick up a few things to cook
c. Swing through the drive through and hit the dollar menu
d. Laugh uproariously, because that shit's your responsibility, woman.

I think pets are _______.
a. Wonderful, I'm a cat person.
b. Wonderful, I'm a dog person.
c. Wonderful, for torturing
d. Wonderful, for the makers of allergy medications

I am named after_____.
a. A cherished family member, or friend of the family.
b. The city I was conceived/delivered in
c. My mom's favorite food when she was pregnant
d. other (list)_______________________________

Other women are_____.
a. nonexistent, except in a peripheral way, when you're around/in my life
b. conquests, to be had at all costs
c. secondary to my mother.

Short Answer:
Please try to confine your answers to the space provided. If necessary, attach additional paper for expanded answers.

If I want to go to a movie, and you'd rather go to the bars (or vice versa) how would you resolve the situation?

How hard do you work to not go to bed alone?

What is your favorite color?

Will I ever see you during your sports season of choice? (Yes or no, and explain which sport)

Are you simply telling me what you think I'd like to hear, in order to get laid?

Why do you want to date me?

Why should I want to date you?

How do you cope when you've had a difficult week? How would you help me cope, if I have had a similarly difficult week?

What is your standard tip for good service at a restaurant?

Were you lying above, when I asked if you were simply telling me what I wanted to hear, in order to get laid?

Yes/No Simply check the appropriate response.

Have you ever uttered any of the following?
"It's not you, it's me" _____Yes _____No
(Did you mean it? _____Yes _____No)

"I just need my space" _____Yes _____No

"Lets be friends" _____Yes _____No
(Did you actually remain friends? _____Yes _____No)

"I'll pull out in time" _____Yes _____No

"Did you, y'know?" _____Yes _____No

Have you ever taken an online "purity test? _____Yes _____No.
If yes, did you fail? _____Yes _____No

Have you ever participated in the Special Olympics? _____Yes _____No
(If yes, as ___athlete or ____coach)

Have you ever broken up with a girlfriend by telephone, email or instant messenger? _____Yes _____No

Have you ever broken off a date because something better came along? _____Yes _____No

Does your family tree have branches? ____Yes _____No

Are any members of your family who are related in more than one way (i.e. sister/mother, uncle/daddy) ____Yes ____No

The Hard Part:

Hat is to mitten as _______ is to __________.
a. sausage/casing
b. ball cap/catcher's mitt
c. egg/shell

Chopin is to Piano as _____________ is to _______________.
a. Dave Grohl/drums
b. Benny Goodman/clarinet
c. Edvard Munch/Oil paints

Kafka is to Cockroaches as ______________ is to _____________________

a. Nabokov/underage girls
b. Dahl/chocolate
c. Seuss/psychotropics

If a train leaves Munich at 11:15 AM carrying 185 passengers for Luxembourg, and is travelling at a rate of 53 kilometers per hour, how long will it take paint to dry in an 8 foot by 12 foot room, if the relative humidty is 94 percent, and the barometer is falling? (please show your work)

In Conclusion:

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this application. Please feel free to provide any additional information, supporting documentation, letters of recommendation and/or reference you believe would be helpful in the decision making process. Regrettably, these materials will not be returned, and if they are sufficiently ridiculous (boudoir photographs, glamour shots, etc.) will be posted on the Internet and/or circulated to other women in the county. If you are selected for an interview, you will receive a postcard informing you of available dates and times. Please be prepared to provide a DNA swab, blood sample, and fingerprints.




Blogger parcequilfaut said...

Sauce, if I was a boy...I'd fail. Tooootally fail.

That's OK,there's no twin application. Hilarious, good stuff from you and the Stephranger.

Holla atcha when I get back from Vacation! F'reals!

12:22 AM  
Blogger Memphis Word Nerd said...

Uhhh, the whole "lives with mom" thing? DEFINITE DISQUALIFIER! I just got that application last month. Nice guy...until the mom bit came up. There comes a point when you need to get up off your ass and get your own home, ya know?

12:19 PM  
Blogger Special Sauce said...

Well, if he's living with her because she's ill/infirm and needs a caretaker, I'd let it slide. But 40 and chillin' with Ma because she still washes your underpants? Not so much. hee!

12:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The whole thing is a trick. Anyone who would take the time to fill the whole thing out must come off as desperate and not worth your time. All answers are moot!

1:04 AM  
Blogger Steph said...

i love it! i don't give 2 shits what anon asshole says! i'm handing it out dammit, and that's final!!!!

4:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Relax... It's a joke and it actually would affirm you, not the boy who would fill it out. Gheesh. Of all groups of people to not get irony.

See ya'll at the 'Meleon!

10:03 AM  
Blogger Special Sauce said...

Oh anon, anon, please, ID yourself!

It gives me a secret thrill knowing who actually reads my crap.

And you're quite right- all answers are moot, but it sure would be fun to see what they've got to say. HEE!

Anyone good at the 'meleon this weekend?

11:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't think I should reveal myself. But you'd have the inside track on winning a bet, and I would require the sharing of the profits.

G Love etc. are there this week.

12:29 PM  
Blogger Steph said...

anon, just suck it up and tell us who you are already. we're all friends here..........and you knew us better you'd understand our many, MANY reasons for making the app. sides' if we don't know who you are, then how will we be able to share my many success stories with you?

3:14 PM  
Blogger Special Sauce said...

Egads... A betting man. (or Wo, but if it was the incomprable G. Monkey, she'd have said something, so it's either the Horstinator, or The Professor, eh?)

I did talk to Mr. G. Monkey and he was out finding "Organic Turkey" for the G. Love & Special Sauce brigade. We had a hearty chuckle over whatever the fuck Organic Turkey should be. Heh.

If I'm done being a secret squirrel on Saturday Night, I may have to go check that out.

4:16 PM  
Blogger Memphis Word Nerd said...

Well, it was more like 26 and still living with mom, but STILL...

And yes, I know that's robbing the cradle. Yes, I just turned 30 last week. That's yet another reason why his application was rejected. I used to counsel pedophiles for a living; it completely ruined me for dating younger men.

Umm, here's a question for the group. When a boy (to me this is definitely boy behavior, hence calling him a boy, not a man) makes you a mixed tape (well, cd) the first time you meet him and tries to kiss you...ON THE CHEEK...is it just me or is that kinda "Hi, welcome to junior high, will you go with me?"????? Or am I just old and jaded?

BTW...now is a good time to reassure me that even if I'm jaded, I'm not old. No, really. A very good time. I chose this week to have my first not-quite midlife crisis.

Yes, I know that I'm being pitiful, begging for reassurance online.

No, that doesn't bother me.

Okay, yes, it does but I'm doing it anyway, dammit!

8:59 PM  
Blogger Special Sauce said...

Wow, MWN, you are so very, 100% not even remotely close to being old. Old? Old is 90. (Though I have ta tell you- one of the women we took swimming today was ancient, but she had a nice rack. So. For whatever that's worth...)

You? Not old.


Oh... Oh boy. He didn't send you a note too that said "Will you go out with me ________YES!! or _no" did he? hee! Sorry. I mock, only because it did happen to me.

In sixth grade.

But ouch. no, I wouldn't call you jaded, I'd call that guy a little ... em... challenged. (Or am I so jaded that I can't recognize it in others?)

9:08 PM  
Blogger Steph said...

okokokokokokokok, ri feel that i have every reason and right to voice on this one. i turned 30 back in march (a dark day in my book), and since the guys seem to get stupider. many ppl have told me that turning 30 is a huge deal and that one of these days (i'll let you know when my day deceides to surface) the light just "goes off" and everything makes sense. ok, sure. with that being said, i also realized that dating anyone younger than 28 is truly a waste of time. not that 28-30 is a huge diff, but the older guys seem to have some sort of clue and somewhat of a responsibilty with SOMETHING. for me, 95% of them are divorced and have a shitload of screaming ass kids floating around. tho i do live in vegas and all. a town all it's own in that sense. anywhooo, my advice is to knock your age bracket up a couple of notchs and you'll have a better chance of a free dinner vs the mix cd. wtf is that about? please tell me you didn't get close enuff to check his underwear tag for his name in black sharpie.

i just survived harry potter night. i doubt this makes any damn sense..................guys suck! i date em' but we're bitches! so remember, live single, drink double and sleep triple!

8:17 AM  

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