Special Sauce

A mish-mash of twisted thoughts from a fevered ego. Updated when the spirit moves me, contents vary and may have settled during shipping. Do not open towards eyes. Caution: Ingestion of Special Sauce may cause hair loss, halitosis, and a burning sensation while urinating.


The Other 50

Because I can, and because Queerjoe's second hundred made me think about it, I present, the other fifty things about me (that I feel like sharing.)(The first fifty)Now with links!

Ego. Yump.

1. I will put up with a lot of crap from people I like, but not so much from strangers/acquaintances.

2. I swear like a sailor with tourettes when I drive. (Monkey fuck! Monkey fuck! Monkey fuck!)

3. I've actually visited Punxsutawney Phil in his groundhog zoo. (I also have 2 Phil beanie babies. Gifts, I swear.)

4. I have creepy crushes on Richard Belzer (whose birthday is one day before mine)and Steve Buscemi.

5. My favorite apples are Granny Smiths

6. From now on, every pregnant friend is getting one of these shirts at her baby shower.

7. The first concert I saw was REM on their Monster tour.

8. I'm excessively polite when I interact with sales clerks, waitresses, and other folks in the service industry.

9. I would rather get a bikini wax than wear sweatpants (not to be confused with track pants, which are acceptable).

10. Every time I hear the Head & Shoulder's commercial where they sing "Head & Shoulders, Knees & Toes (knees & toes!)" I substitute the word "Nematodes" for "Knees & Toes". From now on, I bet you do too.

11. It just isn't a wedding 'till they play the chicken dance, or someone punches their mother.

12. I actually collected New Kids On the Block trading cards.

13. I don't have any tattoos, but if I did, I'd have a butterfly koi on my left shoulder.

14. Scrapple gives me the willies.

15. I'm more of a "book" person than a "movie" person.

16. That said, I really like old movies.

17. But to really mess with you, I like Poirot and Nero Wolfe in their filmed versions. (Thank you, A&E, for Sundays with Poirot, Nero and Inspector Barnaby.)

18. No matter how carefully I attack with the lint brush, I cannot leave the house without a wad of cat hair sticking to me.

19. I sing in the car. Loudly. (When I'm not swearing.)

20. I have considered bcoming a home ec teacher. (I stop when I remember how much I hate teenagers.)

21. My hair has been brown, black, blonde (for five minutes), hot pink, orange, red (as in the head, and not the crayola color), and is presently "Dark Auburn".

22. I curse the fact that I can't find Strongbow here. (And yes, I probably would drink "Scrumpy Jack", despite the fact that it sounds like a distant cousin to the "Dirty Sanchez".) Cider=Happy.

23. Though Iron City is good in a pinch. (Aluminum Bottles Rawk.)

24. I think my mom's pretty darn swell.

25. My Junior year photo was so bad my mom actually laughed at it when I brought it home. (Come to think of it, so were my Sophmore & Freshman year pictures.)

26. I make really, really good chicken souvlaki. (Recipe to come)

27. I have a serious "thing" for sock monkeys. Honestly, I can't explain it.

28. Every time the song "Baby Got Back" comes on, I laugh my ass off. All I can think of is 3 of the whitest white dudes ever, kickin' that in the middle of the night at my one and only music store opening. (Because believe me, nothing makes you forget about the hell that is organizing classical music like white guys singing "Baby got Back".)

29. Someday I will write a book about American attitudes (and corresponding actions) towards death and dying, and how/why they've evolved over the past 2 centuries.

30. I very well might kill someone for a really good creme brulee right about now.

31. I am mildly lactose intolerant. I am totally liver-and-onions intolerant.

32. When I used to be a chat ho, my name was Miss Ankle Strap Wedgie. (Which sounded much, much kinkier than it really was. For I am a Harlan Ellison geek, and pure, and chaste.)

33. I plan on getting my shit together and making a bunch of reproduction vintage aprons this spring/summer.

34. I have never had a good, widely used nickname, other than "G" or "E".

35. In real life, I'm actually pretty boring. (On my blog I'm just moderately boring.)

36. I love Miss Manners.

37. In high school, I did a "Radio show" with my then-best-friend. We recorded it on her Karaoke machine, and did all kinds of twisted parodies like "Puff the Magic Douchebag". It came with a satin carrying case, for the "Ho on the Go." We also had a pretty good long-running story about our Science teacher and his horse-faced-wife.

38. We have a long-standing bet in my circle of friends, that the first one to lick Weatherman Extrordinaire Matt Ritter in a nightclub, in full view of the rest of us, will receive the largest bottle available, of the alcohol of their choice. Bonus bottles will be awarded if the phrase "There's a fifty percent chance of you going home with me tonight." is uttered by either party.

39. I hate nail polish on my fingernails, but routinely paint my toenails.

40. In the great Marx Brothers vs Stooges debate, I will choose the Marx Brothers every time.

41. I actually got paid to write once. But it was for the most boring freebie paper in the world, so I stopped working for them. (They went under shortly thereafter, wholly unrelated, I believe.)

42. I nearly peed when I found out the new Laurie Notaro book is out. (in a week!)

43. I don't deal well with being ordered to do things.

44. My grandpap used to bottle his own maple syrup, and give us sassafrass to make tea out of.

45. I still check the Monroe County Sheriff's Office Arrests every once in a while, to see if anyone I knew has been busted lately.

46. I rarely answer my cell phone. Not because I'm difficult, I just forget to take it off vibrate.

47. I love the smells of spring and fall.

48. I fervently believe you haven't truly lived if you haven't gone through the local community fair. We actually have "Fair Season" at the beginning of September-ish, no fewer than six communities close off a stretch of the main drag, and have rides, games, and more deep-fried-stuff than you can shake a portable AED at. Oh, and the rat game. (Put your bet on a color, and if the rat, once loosed from its container, goes down through that colored hole, you win a prize.)

49. Every time I hear the song "Abraham, Martin & John" on the radio something or someone dies. I hate that song.

50. I can't think of a thing #50.


Blogger Ghost of Goldwater said...

#34 isn't true! Everybody calls you "bitch" (though not necessarily to your face...)

Just thought I'd clear that up in a helpful and friendly manner :o)

4:37 AM  
Blogger Steph said...

you "forget" to take it vibrate my ass. that's what i tell myself when i leave mine in my pocket and call it from my house phone. yeah, that who "forgot" excuse works wonders.

6:05 AM  
Blogger Special Sauce said...

Goldie- Aww, you like me. You really, really like me! Heh.

Stephee, Shit! Now my secret's out. Err. Wait, No, Honest! I'd never do that. At least not more than... twice or four times a night. I swear!

10:28 AM  

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