Special Sauce

A mish-mash of twisted thoughts from a fevered ego. Updated when the spirit moves me, contents vary and may have settled during shipping. Do not open towards eyes. Caution: Ingestion of Special Sauce may cause hair loss, halitosis, and a burning sensation while urinating.

1.10.2005

Caution: Objectionable Material Ahead

Not suitable for children. Though, if your kids are reading this page, you've probably already failed as a parent, and there are bigger issues afoot.

Katie. Couric. Is. A. Dumb. Cunt.

There. I've said it. I've used the C-word. I've broken that girly taboo. Fuckit.

I know I should stop harboring the delusion that anything on the Today Show is actual news. I know this. But damnit, they keep having people like Colin Powell on, and it confuses me. I keep thinking they actually try to educate and inform people. You think I'd have realized for certain, when the idjits behind the desk asked a guy who spent his entire vacation searching for his missing Fiancee in Thailand something along the lines of "That must have been really hard for you, how did it make you feel?" I would have given anything for the guy to respond "Well, Katie, It's exactly how I envisioned my dream vacation. My fiancee is dead, but I don't have a body to bury, and thanks for reminding me you dumb fuck." I acknowledge that it's partly his fault for being enough of a famewhore to go on the Today show to broadcast his misery to middle-America, but damnit, give us all a break and ask him something pertinent.

Today, however, the show took the cake.
During the 7:30 segment, on a weekend when we had an avalanche, mudslides, and massive flooding in many regions of the States, a war going on, and Tsunami devastation, the inauguration of a president who still doesn't get it coming up, and about 45 million other stories that are newsworthy, guess what story was being discussed? Not even merely discussed, but slobbered over, and dissected like a hapless fetal pig?

Jennifer Anniston and Brad Pitt's Breakup.

Seriously.

The following phrase actually came out of Katie's mouth.

"I know we have a Tsunami going on, and a war, but when I heard Brad and Jennifer broke up, I called our news desk and asked 'oh my god, is it true?'"

For this, she must be shot. Immediately. I don't care if it's a mortal wound or not. It can't even begin to match tme mental anguish she just caused with that one remark. Coupled with the guy from fucking People, who gets off slightly easier because I don't expect "news" from People, and did I mention they were treating this like it was fucking Nixon resigning all over again? Criminy fuck, people. Soldiers are fucking dying, children are being beaten and sexually abused, medical decisions are being made by insurance companies who don't care about anything other than the bottom line, and oh yeah, there was a fucking Tsunami, Katie. Die.

Sorry. I'm normally a peaceful woman, but I think she and Matt Lauer have absolutely no redemptive value at all. They need to go back to the mall that spawned them, and get the fuck off my TV. (Which was only tuned to the Today Show beacuse my local news was over, and I wanted quasi-informative noise while I ate breakfast.) Seriously, Katie? Kill yourself. You're a sham.

Now. With that out of my system, I'm going to listen to smiley mellow music, and try not to drive to NY and beat some journalistic talent and sensitivity into that nitwit.


Editor's Note. Lest I get sued because someone actually does convince Katie Couric to kill herself or does it for her. I do not actually condone going out and killing Katie Couric, or convincing her to do it herself. (But if it happens, it won't stop me from doing a little jig.)

5 Comments:

Blogger Memphis Word Nerd said...

Katie Couric sucks. She has always sucked. Her suckage reached epic proportions in 1998(?) when Dawson's Creek debuted (remember that show?) and in one of the episodes the astoundingly aggravating fiveheaded Dawson admits that he likes to "walk his dog" (snerk, snerk) while watching Katie Couric. That mental image was one of the most horrifying things that I have ever experienced. James Van Der Beek. Katie Couric. Yikes, my two least favorite people on tv.

Okay, now that I've completely shot my image as an intellectual (snerk) by admitting that I watched Dawson's Creek, I'm going to slink back over to my blog. Sigh...

10:40 AM  
Blogger Special Sauce said...

Hee! I've always said I have a twohead, in contrast to the Beek's fivehead. *HOOT*

And wow. Just. Wow. Beekage, "rockin' out" to the Couricmeister? Ewww. She's so... so... leathery. And creepy.

Nah, we don't think any less of you MWN. Shit, I used to watch Guiding Light, so there go my credibility points. Heh.

11:20 AM  
Blogger parcequilfaut said...

Katie's deserved the cunt moniker since she talked over Björk's performance at the Olympics. Or possibly longer, but that's the last time I remember saying "Katie Couric -- kill yourself" like I was Bill Hicks and she was an advertising agent.

Speaking of Cunt, have you read Inga Muscio's book of the same name, Elvis Twin? I think you would like it, and it might make up for missing Friedman/Trudeau/Ivins, which now I'm pissed for missing. Ah well. Maybe one of them will make it to Southern Festival of Books this year.

2:23 PM  
Blogger luz de la luna said...

"Katie. Couric. Is. A. Dumb. Cunt." LOL

Being from the UK I have no idea who Katie Couric is but after reading your blog I really feel that I am luck in that! I do not doubt her cuntage and suckage for a single moment!

"I know we have a Tsunami going on, and a war, but when I heard Brad and Jennifer broke up, I called our news desk and asked 'oh my god, is it true?'

???????????????????????????????????????????? WTF!!!!! can there REALLY be somebody that walks the Earth who is SO stupid and shallow and insensitive as to say such a thing??????????????

Incredible!!!!!!! Cunt indeed! :-)

Best Wishes
La Luna

5:02 PM  
Blogger Special Sauce said...

Hee! Luz, she's a dumb bint on one of the morning chat shows- a 3 hour format, with "important news" at the beginning of each half hour (for about 30 seconds) with semi-interesting interviews with whomever is shilling a book or movie, and other ever-so essential stuff.

Although, when John Stewart's on, it's interesting. Hmm. Maybe we can get him to go on, and call Katie Couric a dick, and see if maybe SHE can't get fired too! Ooo!

5:48 PM  

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