Special Sauce

A mish-mash of twisted thoughts from a fevered ego. Updated when the spirit moves me, contents vary and may have settled during shipping. Do not open towards eyes. Caution: Ingestion of Special Sauce may cause hair loss, halitosis, and a burning sensation while urinating.


Old and Moldy...

Hee! Found these as I was cleaning up email. I wrote them in my "bitchy" period. Yes, it's ongoing. The first is from my days as a drive-up bank teller. Nope, don't run into any morons there. Nosiree.


To be posted at each drive up tube, along with FDIC deposit information, and sent to every human who may come in contact with a drive up bank.

1. This is a drive up. You must be on or in some kind of motorized vehicle. Children and adults are not permitted to walk up to the drive up window and beg for lollipops. Skateboards, foot-powered scooters, bicycles and feet are not considered motorized vehicles. Do not expect the drive up teller to even acknowledge your existence unless you are in a motorized conveyance.

2. A drive up was installed for quick, convenient transactions. The key word in the preceeding sentence is "quick". It is not for people who are too lazy to get up off their ever-expanding asses and walk fifteen feet to the bank lobby. It is for people who are in somewhat of a hurry, and need to process one, or at the most, two simple transactions. The following are examples of transactions not permitted in the drive up area. Violations are punishable by various means up to, and including death:

a. Transactions containing either 3 or more deposit slips, or 1 inch worth of bills to be hand counted. The drive up is not for depositing an entire week's worth, or month's worth of daily reciepts. Violations will be punished by a forfeiture of all drive up priveliges.

b. Exchange of rolled coins shall not take place at "tube" stations, and shall not exceed ten (10) dollars worth at the commercial drawer. The drive up is not a substitute for a Coinstar machine. Coin must be rolled. Presentation of unrolled coins will be met with an eyeroll, hearty guffaw, and a stream of obscenities that would make Dick Cheney blush.

c. If you do not have an account with this bank, you are not permitted to even look in the general direction of the drive up window. There are no exceptions to this rule. Violations shall be punished by a swift and terrible death
3. You are not permitted to keep the pens issued by the drive up teller. Failure to return a pen will result in immediate forfeiture of all assets tied to the bank and diverted directly to the teller whom the pen was stolen from.

4. The drive up teller is not the same as an automated teller. When the drive up teller acknowledges your presence, by saying "hello", you are required to look in their general direction and respond with, "hello". When the drive up teller closes your transaction with "have a good afternoon" or some other pleasantry, you are required to respond in kind. Remember that the Drive Up teller has access to your most private financial information, and would gleefully distribute it to Amway salesmen if the teller feels you did not treat them with a modicum of respect.

5. You may press the "call teller" button once, and only once. The teller does know you are there, and will speak with you as soon as possible. Additionally, you do not need to press the "call teller" button to talk. Drive Up Tellers are omnipotent, and know you wish to speak. If the teller does not hear you, they will say "I am sorry, I did not hear you." Excessive use of the "call teller" button will result in large men named Vinny and Guido swinging in S.W.A.T. style, and breaking off your fingers.

6. Just because the drive up teller is omnipotent, does not mean the teller wishes to try to divine your chicken scratches or that you wanted cash back, but didn't list it. They will instead figure you are just a nitwit who cannot perform simple mathematic tasks. Deposit slips must be filled out properly and completely. Failure to do so, especially followed with a chastisement of the teller for neglecting to read your mind, will result in your immediate decapitation.

7. Do not doubt the drive up teller. If the teller informs you that you may not perform a specific transaction, you may not perform that transaction. Do not anger the teller, or the teller is permitted to close your account, take your money, call into question the paternity of your children, compare your family tree to that of a lightning charred stump, and generally make you wish you had never been born.

8. If a transaction requires photo ID, and you do not provide it, even though there are signs requesting ID in no fewer than 75 places in the drive up area, the teller will return your transaction and stare at you like the moron that you are, until you provide the required identification.

9. Do not ask the drive up teller to credit something as "before 2:00" if it is after 2:00. Also, do not stare at the teller in disbelief when the teller informs you that a transaction will not be credited until the next evening, or you will be considered too stupid to hold a bank account, and your assets will be forfeited.

10. If you request that cash be deposited into your account, it must be arranged in the following manner:

a. all bills facing up, and the presidents all "looking" the same direction.
b. all bills must be grouped by denomination, and arranged neatly in either ascending or descending order.

If the preceeding guidelines are not followed, and your cash deposit appears to have been put together by a blind person, with an iq of 15 who was suffering a seizure, the cash will be removed from your posession, and given to the teller. Credit will not be given for your cash, and if questioned, the teller will respond:
a. "I am sorry, you are too stupid to be trusted with cash, so it is being removed from your possession for your own good" or
b. "Cash? There was no cash here. Only something in an envelope marked 'bonus for
teller' I saw no cash."
These rules, regulations and penalties may be altered/revoked/increased as the drive up teller sees fit, and punishments may be inflicted at will, depending on the kind of day the teller is having.

Thank you for banking with us, and have a pleasant day.

This one was written after the "mutual breakup" with the "guy" I was "dating". (Mr. Ex.) Believe it or not, despite the fact that he was a belittling, Republican, chauvanist cokehead, he did have his moments. I do wish him well, whatever he's doing. (with no hidden meaning.) That said...

Common phrases used during a breakup, and what they actually mean.

"Lets remain friends" actually means: "Lets not talk again. Ever."

"I need some time to figure some things out" actually means: "I want to figure out if I can sleep with your best friend, a few tourists, and half the island and still con you into sleeping with me and cooking every once in a while."

"We need a break" actually means: "I am a weasel and want to break up with you, but don't have the guts to do it. I hope that if I piss you off enough, you'll just dump me instead"

"Take Care" actually means "Fuck you."

"Best Wishes" actually means "Fuck you, AND your new girlfriend."

"I hope you find your happiness someday" actually means "I hope you die alone, in an alley somewhere, with only a scorching case of herpes and a copy of Hustler to keep you company."

"I think we should see other people" actually means: "I'm already seeing someone else, and she's as limber as a 12 year old Roumanian gymnast."

"I never wanted to hurt you" actually means: "I hope that by saying this, you won't run out and tell everyone you see how small my penis really is."

"I'm just not ready for a relationship" actually means: "I'd rather be in a relationship with anybody but you."


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