Special Sauce

A mish-mash of twisted thoughts from a fevered ego. Updated when the spirit moves me, contents vary and may have settled during shipping. Do not open towards eyes. Caution: Ingestion of Special Sauce may cause hair loss, halitosis, and a burning sensation while urinating.

1.15.2006

Caution: Football Content Ahead

I have discovered the source of my prematurely greying hair.

The playoffs.

I've been relatively light on the football content this season, primarily because I've been otherwise occupied on many a Sunday afternoon, and/or find it difficult to stay awake through MNF. So you've all been spared. Until today, that is.

Topic 1.

Ben Roethlisberger, shave that scuzz off your face. Do it now. It doesn't make you look suave, or manly, it just makes you look like you're trying to hide some bad acne. I'd say "Peyton Manning's cleanshaven, and look at how well his team did this year", but after today's game, they're out of contention. Which brings me to topic 2.

Topic 2.
When you are ahead by 3, have less than 2 minutes to play, and have received the ball after sacking Peyton Manning on fourth & 16, take. The motherfucking. Knee. Do not make me age 10 years, nearly have an aneurysm, and have to almost take back all the smack I talked to my dad, because you couldn't take a damned knee and end the game like any normal, decent, SMART team. Don't give me crap about Indy having 3 time outs. I don't fucking care. They still had 3 time outs when you got the ball back with 26 seconds left.

Topic 3.
Dad, stop picking whichever team is playing against the Steelers, and rooting for them just to be contrary. It's annoying, and when you switch allegiances in the last 30 seconds of the game, I'm going to plant an stiletto in your skull.

Topic 4.
Troy Polamalu, call me!

Topic 5.
For those of you who watched the Indy/Pittsburgh game, that ref is a confirmed graduate of St. Mary's school for the blind, and I have it on good authority that his parents (and much of his family lineage, going back for at least 5 generations) were brother and sister. The call regarding Polamalu's interception (and lets get one thing straight, that WAS an interception) was bullshit, and I honestly hope that his children quit their respectable jobs and become journalists and crack-whores, and further bring shame upon his family.

Topic 6.
Denver? You're goin' DOWN. Seriously. They said we couldn't beat Indy, and we did. And we're not going to fuck it up like we almost did in the last quarter of this game. Mile high stadium or no, we want it, we're going to come and get it. You? Aren't going to stop us. We are going to the Superbowl.

Topic 7.
Vanderjagt, Vanderjagt, Vanderjagt. You're a kicker. And you're still an idiot. And even if you do honk a really important kick, you aren't allowed to take your helmet off and slam it on the field. Even if it is really funny. And even if your miss made Peyton Manning almost cry like a little girl. Stuff like that? Is why nobody takes you seriously.

Topic 8.

Peyton. I like you. A lot. And I'm sorry it had to end this way. Your commercials? Priceless. Your crazy forehead and your supercuts do? Awesome. I'd love to toss back a few with you. You're probably a lot of fun. So I'm sorry I yelled at you. A lot. And laughed when you lost. And made fun of your forehead. A lot. You really do mean well, and maybe next year you'll go all the way. At least you didn't lose to the Patriots again...

And thus concludes my football content for today. Tune in next time when I'll return to the usual blathering, rambling, and occasional knitting content.

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, but I know a guy who needed the Steelers to win by 9, and they couldn't do that by taking. the. motherfucking. knee. They could have, however. held onto. the. motherfucking. ball.

haha

And what a bogus way to win an NFL playoff game in the end...

5:33 PM  
Blogger Special Sauce said...

Spread, or actually winning by 9?
Because really, we weren't even supposed to win.

And yeah... hanging. Onto. The. Damn. Ball would have been nice too. Literally, I was on the phone to my brother all set to leave him the "WOO! We advanced!" message, instead it was "Woo! We- holy shit are you watching this bullshit? What the fuck!" Heh.

The team fell apart at the end- I blame that stupid call- it threw everyone's momentum off.

5:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry, yes, it was the spread. The guy is incredible with his picks, if not always by the spread.

And I've seen quite a few bad calls in the postseason.

6:09 PM  
Blogger Steph said...

football schmootball.

you know i've always been more of a baseball player fan. i like to be able to see the face of the boy i'm stepping on my tongue for.

6:53 PM  
Blogger Miss_Critiki said...

*ahem* Regarding Topic #6: I think not baby. Bring it on Steelers, your bearded scuzzy faced quarterback is no match for OUR bearded, scuzzy faced quarterback.

Also, almost no one picked the Broncos to win over the Patriots, but we did, and with great ease. Apparently the fact that we were second in the NFL only behind the Colts means nothing to the sports media folk (with the exception of Shannon Sharpe, who always picks the Broncos.)

ANY.way. Bring it Steelers. Denver is waiting for you.

7:30 PM  
Blogger Special Sauce said...

Naw, Miss C. Ya took down the Pats, but that's nothing. The pats, despite their record, played nothing like the Superbowl winning team of yore. You may be the 3 point favorites this week, but I still think you're going down.

And the little laminated picture of Hines Ward doing a jig, at my desk, agrees... Heh.

7:05 PM  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home