Special Sauce

A mish-mash of twisted thoughts from a fevered ego. Updated when the spirit moves me, contents vary and may have settled during shipping. Do not open towards eyes. Caution: Ingestion of Special Sauce may cause hair loss, halitosis, and a burning sensation while urinating.



Some people call this the most wonderful time of the year. They'd be bald-faced liars who deserve to burn in the hottest part of hell for, well, forever.

It's not the 14.01 billion renditions of Jingle Bells by everyone from the barking dogs to Andy Williams that makes me crazy.

It's not the nuclear holocaust colored store displays.

It's not the overabundance of smarmy goodwill and cookies.

No. It's the people.

I don't like crowds. I don't like people just randomly milling around, or moving at the speed of dark. I hate craaaaaaafty people (and you can always spot a craaaaaaaaaafter too. They're the ones in the sweatpants and sweatshirt [homemade, of course] or velour tracksuit [in red-hat colors] whose ginormous asses block entire aisles, and their hideous cackles shred eardrums at 40 paces), and I hate the whole "I must have this thing, and I must have it right now and I will kill you if you look askance at it!" thing. And lets not even discuss the mall, shall we?

Every year it becomes a bit more of a challenge. I do sometimes enjoy the physical process of shopping. Looking at items, making a mental inventory, and matching my friends and loved ones special interests to one fabulous gift. Birthdays? LOVE shopping for Birthdays. Christmas? I'd rather slit my wrists with a broken gift card. Shopping online isn't really an option, because I still have to do physical recon before I can order. And that? Means going out. In the people. And very well risking either a complete mental breakdown, or an episode involving an AK-47 and a water tower. Both would get me 302'd, but one would probably get me released for good behavior without having to be someone's bitch.

I'm considering taking the easy way out this year. No, not gift cards... doing all my shopping at the Liquor Store. Who's in?



Blogger GoddessAradia said...

Liquor Store...Hey! That's not a bad idea!

What funny, is that I'm just the opposite. Birthdays? Can't stand em. I've never got the money or the time to make mall runs with out warning. But at least at Christmas I already know that I have to buy a ton of gifts, and I know exactly when they're all due, so I can plan all year for it.
Not that I DO, I just have that option should I ever choose to stay more organized.

10:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My fifth of Jack is running on empty. I'm just saying.

By the way, are you like everyone else I know taking the next day off after the Rev.? Heck, I'm off the rest of the week.

4:43 PM  
Blogger Steph said...

like you really had to ASK if i was in or not.


2:22 AM  

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