Special Sauce

A mish-mash of twisted thoughts from a fevered ego. Updated when the spirit moves me, contents vary and may have settled during shipping. Do not open towards eyes. Caution: Ingestion of Special Sauce may cause hair loss, halitosis, and a burning sensation while urinating.


Proper Update

Ok, I was being a smartass last night, but Shaun of the Dead was effin' AWESOME. Senor Horsty is going to make me a copy. (we were interrupted many times during our impromptu cheddar theater)

Also considered awesome this morning:

1. 35 minutes on the elliptical, and I probably could have done more
2. Coffee. Coffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffee. Big. Turkey Hill. Hazelnut. One cinnamon creamer, a little bit of milk. Coffee good.
3. Egg Radio. (Seriously. I want to smooch them.)
4. It's Friday! Whee! Hoo! Yay!!

Now, as promised, the story of the 'neckette next door and her trip to the grey bar hotel.

There's a shared driveway between my house and the house next door. Over the years there have been some illustrious residents over there. F'rinstance...

The Gnomes. They were there when we first moved in. 2 brothers who really did resemble garden gnomes, talked "dutchie" (with heavy PA dutch accents) and liked to hug me. A lot.

The Fighters. They were next, fought constantly, left their kid roaming all over the place, cops were there on a weekly basis. 2 highlights of their stay.
1. They set the kitchen on fire (accidentally) and were so stoned/drunk/stupid, they called 911 twice, and hung up on them.

2. The female fighter's friend was over one afternoon, and for some odd reason (I wasn't home at the time, it was relayed to me after the fact) decided it would be a really good idea to run around the backyard naked and screaming.

They moved out shortly thereafter.

The next people were ok, a bit weird and had yappy dogs, but we never had to call the cops on them, so woo.

(side note, the house next door is a rental. A very overpriced rental. Most of the people don't move on because they WANT to but because they have to. I'm amazed they can rent it out at all, it's a shithole.)

Now we have the 'necks. Well, just the 'neckette now, sort of. And of course they come complete with the dog, a passel of kids ( 2 girls, and one on the way, plus two boys, on the weekends), the screeching motorcycle, and the screaming. Oh god, the screaming. I can actually hear her screaming at The kids, inside her house, with the doors/windows shut, inside my house, with my windows shut, and the TV on.

Most recently (and it does pertain) Dude 1, father of 2 of the boys who spend the weekends, and the bun currently occupying 'neckette's oven, had enough (smart man) and moved out.

To pay the rent, Dude 2 (let's call him Dopey, shall we?) moved in. Dude 2 is apparently the youngest girl's father (the oldest girl's dad's dead). There is of course, acrimony between dude 1, 'neckette, & dopey, because Dude 1 thinks 'neckette has been sleeping with dopey a bit more recently than however many years ago they broke up. Cue the screaming. Cut to about 2 weeks later.

Dopey doesn't drive. Neither does the 'neckette. Never wondered why, never really cared. Dopey is perpetually hitting people up for shit. "Hey, can you start my furnace for me?" (Well, no, because I am not going to fuck it up, and blow you up, why not call the landlord, or the service dude?), "Can I borrow your shovel, I want to go shovel driveways to make some cash." (Sure, that I like.) "can I use your phone", and the most recent one... (with the youngest in tow, because, damn.)

"Um, yeah. Is your mom home?" No. "Oh. Um. I'm in a bind" (and I'm thinking, SHIT, I do not want to have to babysit this kid) He then lays out the story that the 'neckette got hauled off to jail that afternoon for nonpayment of a speeding ticket. She also relieved him of all the cash in the house, and left him with the baby. Could he borrow 10 bucks for groceries?

{permit me to be all manolo for a second)

The sauce, she cannot resist the power of the cute little kiddo. And the little kiddo cannot help the fact that she has shithead parents. Of course he got the 10 bucks. (He was lucky, because usually I carry no cash.) Do I expect to see it "On saturday! I swear!"? No. Do I care? No. He did actually take off down the road with the baby in the stroller, so I don't think he'd used it for drugs or something stupid.

Apparently, the day after that, Dude 1 came back (rather pissed off, too) and loaded up the 2 girls, and I haven't seen anyone in the house for a few days. I was going to drop a bag of groceries off on the porch, all anonymous-like (because again, it's not the kid's fault she's got shitty parents, she's still got to eat, and 10 bucks doesn't get you a whole lot of stuff), but apparently nobody's home.

Maybe you just kind of have to be there, but seriously. My neighbors are better than a soap opera most days. (And yes. I am an awful person.)


Blogger parcequilfaut said...

Sauce --

I'd have laughed at that a lot more if the Middle Kitty weren't at large.

Thoughts, prayers, and voodoo spells would be welcome, since I've skipped work to find his little ass and as yet have had no luck.


9:39 AM  
Blogger Special Sauce said...

Middle Kitty, you get your butt home this very instant! You are driving your mistress positively batty, and remember, she is the giver of food, and treats, and back-skritches. You do NOT want her to be upset with you.

In the meantime, my fingers, toes, and ankles are crossed, and I'll sacrfice a chicken if necessary. Good luck, ET, and let us know when MK is home safely.

10:12 AM  

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