Special Sauce

A mish-mash of twisted thoughts from a fevered ego. Updated when the spirit moves me, contents vary and may have settled during shipping. Do not open towards eyes. Caution: Ingestion of Special Sauce may cause hair loss, halitosis, and a burning sensation while urinating.


Let My Puppies Go...

Lesson Learned.

Ample warning, boob talk ahead. Again.

When the "4" in your bra size is no longer the second digit, and sometimes you see letters twice, there are certain rules you have to follow.

1. When you go to the gym, unless you're going to only work on the weight machines, and not even walk around just a little, much less get onto an elliptical, for the love of all that's holy, wear a sportsbra. If you don't, and you think you can cheap out and wear the ratty old cotton underwire bra that doesn't quite fit right anymore, you would be wrong. Very. Very wrong. And you'll nearly lose an eye. And it will hurt. A lot.

2. After you've made your boobs hurt by not wearing the proper support, don't expect to magically waltz into Lane Bryant and find the perfect bra. You should actually expect that their entire bra design department has been taken over by the marquis de sade.

3. Those sweet bras with cute little insertable air packs to totally boost your cleavage may look ever so fucking adorale on the rack. However, they will look like two tupperware lettuce crisper bowls when you put them on. (and they will be roughly as sexy too.

3.a. Those tupperware things will also make your upper arms & shoulders look like you're wearing football pads, even if you're nigh on topless.

4. Don't go shopping for bras when you're feeling excessively bloaty, and hate your body even more than usual. Because when you look at your shirtless self in profile in that gigantic mirror, with the horrendously unflattering lighting, you will wonder how someone manages to contain their lunch when they see you naked, because... DAMN, you look like a cross between quasimodo and recently punched down bread dough.

5. If you do have to do any of the above, at least do it on President's day, at 5:00, when the mall is deserted, so you can run the chance of getting a very bored salesgirl, who will devote a lot of her time to helping you find a bra that doesn't make you want to cry. And she will give you coupons, and even find 2 on clearance for 10.00 and make you want to marry her.

6. Once you've found 4 bras you like (thus guaranteeing that they'll be discontinued tomorrow) you (and by you, I mean me) should go ahead and shop for shoes, schedule a dentist's appointment, go to church, have your coochie checked out and have a physical, because if you're going to do one unpleasant thing, you should really do 'em all at once.

And I'm really bummed I can't wear my "Death Before Unconsciousness" Uncle Duke shirt to work tomorrow. Stupid committee meetings. Stupid pictures being taken for the website. Bah.


Blogger Memphis Word Nerd said...

Bras? Blech! I've given up on trying them on in the store. I just guestimate what will fit and cross my fingers the whole way home. Clothes shopping sucks but it's even worse when there's fluorescent lighting involved. I mean, yeah, I'm pasty but DAAAAAAAAMN! When I'm in a department store, I look like I could wear white bed linens as camouflage. And I'm always convinced that there is a camera in the mirror with a bunch of snickering security guards. I always shoot 'em a bird, just for my own peace of mind.

That's great that you're working out so frequently! I got a good workout today: the girl whose daughter sold me Girl Scout cookies works on the floor beneath mine so I had to walk all the way down there to pick them up and all the way back WHILE LUGGING TWO WHOLE BOXES OF THIN MINTS.

And while we're on the subject (not that we were) but who the fuck came up with the idea of calling them THIN mints???? Have you read the nutritional (ha!) info on that package?

Yeah, me neither. Uhhh, carry on.

11:16 PM  
Blogger Special Sauce said...

Dear Elvis, MWN- Be glad it wasn't Samoas, or your arms would actually be longer!

Damnit, it's Girl Scout Cookie Season and I missed it? Shit.
There is a GSCS post to come, because... well.. I was one (a girl scout, not a cookie, although I did dream i was coated in chocolate chips once...)


6:13 AM  

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