Let My Puppies Go...

Lesson Learned.

Ample warning, boob talk ahead. Again.

When the "4" in your bra size is no longer the second digit, and sometimes you see letters twice, there are certain rules you have to follow.

1. When you go to the gym, unless you're going to only work on the weight machines, and not even walk around just a little, much less get onto an elliptical, for the love of all that's holy, wear a sportsbra. If you don't, and you think you can cheap out and wear the ratty old cotton underwire bra that doesn't quite fit right anymore, you would be wrong. Very. Very wrong. And you'll nearly lose an eye. And it will hurt. A lot.

2. After you've made your boobs hurt by not wearing the proper support, don't expect to magically waltz into Lane Bryant and find the perfect bra. You should actually expect that their entire bra design department has been taken over by the marquis de sade.

3. Those sweet bras with cute little insertable air packs to totally boost your cleavage may look ever so fucking adorale on the rack. However, they will look like two tupperware lettuce crisper bowls when you put them on. (and they will be roughly as sexy too.

3.a. Those tupperware things will also make your upper arms & shoulders look like you're wearing football pads, even if you're nigh on topless.

4. Don't go shopping for bras when you're feeling excessively bloaty, and hate your body even more than usual. Because when you look at your shirtless self in profile in that gigantic mirror, with the horrendously unflattering lighting, you will wonder how someone manages to contain their lunch when they see you naked, because... DAMN, you look like a cross between quasimodo and recently punched down bread dough.

5. If you do have to do any of the above, at least do it on President's day, at 5:00, when the mall is deserted, so you can run the chance of getting a very bored salesgirl, who will devote a lot of her time to helping you find a bra that doesn't make you want to cry. And she will give you coupons, and even find 2 on clearance for 10.00 and make you want to marry her.

6. Once you've found 4 bras you like (thus guaranteeing that they'll be discontinued tomorrow) you (and by you, I mean me) should go ahead and shop for shoes, schedule a dentist's appointment, go to church, have your coochie checked out and have a physical, because if you're going to do one unpleasant thing, you should really do 'em all at once.


And I'm really bummed I can't wear my "Death Before Unconsciousness" Uncle Duke shirt to work tomorrow. Stupid committee meetings. Stupid pictures being taken for the website. Bah.