Special Sauce

A mish-mash of twisted thoughts from a fevered ego. Updated when the spirit moves me, contents vary and may have settled during shipping. Do not open towards eyes. Caution: Ingestion of Special Sauce may cause hair loss, halitosis, and a burning sensation while urinating.


Holiday Newsletter-

Dear friends and family,

What a hectic year it has been for me! As most of you know, I moved back to Pennsylvania from Florida, and don't regret that one little bit. I mean, who can put up with sunshine all the time? And being able to sit on the beach on New Year's Day? God, that's overrated. Going out whenever I want, and having a great time? Bah! Give me a chance to freeze my ass off, scrape my windshield even in the summer time, and get treated like quasimodo any day of the week!

Some of you may have also heard that I was working for a swell little nonprofit literary organization. Unfortunately, I stopped working there in November, because my boss and I didn't share the same opinion on what constituted a "paycheck". Also, she was an insane harpy whose only life goal was to make me miserable! hee! She almost succeeded, but I'm ok with that now! I hear She's moving the office into Hell's Half Acre sometime at the end of the month, and I can't wait to never set foot into the building! I hear it's painted in perfectly lovely shades of seafoam, mint, and aqua- just perfect for a building listed on the historic register! All of the slave labor I did went down the shitter! I hope it burns to the ground!

I'm happy to say I've got a perfectly wonderful job now, and I get to set my own hours, and decide my own tasks! I've also got a crushing load of debt to pay off, and no real chance of ever getting that done without picking up a side job of either whoring myself out or selling my internal organs! Although organ harvesting's out, because I still have no health insurance! Crap!! At this rate, I may never move out of my parent's house, and will most likely die a bitter lonely woman!

In other news, I've read all of your poorly spelled, gramatically incorrect, exclamation-point-laden missives about how wonderful Muffy, Dirk, and Boopsie are doing! I've endured your countless cheery tales of how the gosh-darned dog stole the turkey carcass right off the serving plate at Thanksgiving and wore it on his snout for the rest of the evening! I've even put on a happy face, as I've read about the hardship you had to endure when you had to have a hangnail surgically removed, and now you're dealing with the heartbreak of Psoriasis! And after I threw up, I managed to put together this little holiday letter to send to all of you, so pardon the vomit stains, will you!

Oh, but where are my manners! I sincerely wish each and every one of you a happy holiday, and an ultra-festive new year. Please enjoy one of the delicious cookies I've enclosed with this letter. No! That's not bitter almond you smell! Dig in!


Special Sauce


Blogger Memphis Word Nerd said...

Hee! Hey, though, I have to point out: psoriasis hurts like a bitch. Cracking, bleeding skin is never fun. And Boopsie? Oooooh, mocking a Doonesbury character is dangerously close to sacrilege. :-)

Bitter almond? Arsenic? Go, clever girl! Keep up the great writing skills.

One final point: seafoam, mint and aqua sound like a severe enough punishment that you can probably feel vindicated. Yuck. It reminds me of the description of the room in Sartre's "No Exit"; part of the torture is that they are trapped forever in a very tacky room. Nice, eh?

10:25 AM  

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