Special Sauce

A mish-mash of twisted thoughts from a fevered ego. Updated when the spirit moves me, contents vary and may have settled during shipping. Do not open towards eyes. Caution: Ingestion of Special Sauce may cause hair loss, halitosis, and a burning sensation while urinating.

10.13.2006

Dear Always, Shut Up.

I do not now, nor will I ever have a "happy period." Can it. I am bleeding. A lot. I am having the Mongolian Death Cramps. I want to eat every salty treat within a 5 mile radius, and finish it off with a bar of Dagoba Lavender chocolate the size of Cleveland. I want to throw staplers at the backs of peoples heads when they annoy me (which is constantly). In short, I am not happy. I am about as far from happy as I can get. And Always marketing? Marketeers, if I may? Packaging your rags with a little baby wipe? That's not going to make me happy. The only things that will make me happy are going to be the ability to drink heavily, or not having to have the damn thing at all, and not be knocked up, and not gain 20 pounds. So wrap that up in your little wipe and smoke it.

And while we're at it, to the folks who live upstairs from me. I know they have such a thing as inside voices, but I'm instituting inside walking between the hours of 9PM and 6AM. That means you leave your wooden clogs, platforms, moon shoes, pogo sticks, frankenstein boots, and other loud, clunky footwear at the door, and walk softly between those hours. Failure to do so may result in my being forced to beat you to death with a pair of slippers.

To the fine folks at Philips, makers of the fabulous Senseo. Nobody drinks 4 ounces of coffee. Nobody. Not even toddlers. 4 ounces of coffee is 1/2 cup. A mere thimbleful. 8 ounces is barely enough, and your pod variety? Sucks. Which has driven me to the ginormous pain in the ass MyPod system. Great variety- as you can use whatever coffee you want, but you're stuck brewing piddly-ass 4 ounce servings till you get your requisite amount of coffee (unless you like drinking brown colored water). My suggestion? If you want your machine to take off, up the dosage, make the stupid thing taller so you can stick a travel mug under it, and lets try some brews that don't suck, or market a better device to make your own pods.

Maybe that's enough hate for today. Maybe not. Go buy some Dagoba.

1 Comments:

Blogger parcequilfaut said...

When Always starts packaging their rags with an airplane-sized bottle of booze per pad/pon, I'll get behind that marketing craze.

Get to feeling better. *hugs*

the mysteriously reappearing Parce

10:49 PM  

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